Diagnosis

The Facts:

On Thursday, January 15, I had a routine colonoscopy completed. After I woke from the sedation, the doctor shared the news that I had a large mass, and based on the size, it was likely cancerous. On Monday, January 19, the doctor called and confirmed that the mass did have cancer cells and that it was rather large. On Wednesday, January 21, I met with the surgeon who explained that "in my case," surgery is not the first line of defense, but that I likely would begin with chemo and radiation, followed by surgery. A permanent colostomy is a possibility. Friday, January 23, I met with the Oncologist. He came in on his day off to be there and meet with me for my first visit. He confirmed everything I have heard thus far, but offered a little more sunshine and a little less gloom.

Next steps include waiting on the pathology report for MMR status, DNA testing, CT testing, and an MRI.

The Emotions:

I had my first colonoscopy eleven years ago, and the symptoms I had that led to testing were considered benign. Though I have continued to experience that symptom, it has not changed in severity. I do have other symptoms, but I have had them my entire life. There is nothing new to suggest that I had a large mass in my colon. So, why did I have this test? Because cancer runs in my mother's family. My brother had recently been diagnosed with cancer for the first time. I knew that I would be next. But this is not where I expected cancer to be found. Others had breast cancer, prostate cancer, pancreatic cancer, and others. Both of my mother's sisters had been diagnosed with five different cancers prior to being overcome. My cancer did not fit within the picture of the cancers the rest of my family experienced. I had already completed a mammogram that was clear. That is where I expected to find cancer, and I was very relieved when there wasn't anything.

Though I am heartbroken that I had cancer, my initial concern was anger toward my doctor for not recommending testing sooner. I had mentioned the ongoing symptoms and the familial cancer history, but he never recommended testing. I was angry at the doctor who did my first colonoscopy, who failed to tell me that the benign symptoms I had could turn into cancer and failed to encourage follow-up.

My question to God is not 'why me?' but 'why now?' So many good things were happening. My family was doing well, and our foster daughter has improved significantly. But then I remember that this is a good time in my journey. I am somewhat healthy, with no symptoms to indicate that I have cancer. This is a good time for me and my health.